Mid-day epiphany

I'm in a coffee shop sipping on a cup of caramel latte. I see people. People with different stories. I see a lady engrossed in a book and lost in the world of letters and words, a new mother trying to comfort a delirious baby, three teenagers in deep discussion; probably about boys and movies, a bespectacled guy sitting in a cozy corner typing away on his laptop like there is no tomorrow.
When I see a galore of people with possible different stories, different worries of their own, I feel a certain sense of comfort. I feel comforted not for the fact that the said people might be experienceing complications, but just that I feel the depth of my worries lessening. I find observing people quite cathartic. When you have worries of your own, it's just nice to sit back and observe the world around to put everything else into perspective. It shows how, when we are bogged down with issues, we become extremely protective about it. We make ourselves believe that no one could have it worse. That no one will know how it feels. Clutching on to that fact, we make ourselves miserable.

This post is an attempt to put pen to paper. Too many thoughts and I'm finding it hard to condense. Receiving a shocking news from the family might have contributed to this string of thoughts. I felt the immediate urge to make it right, to talk to them and possibly make it better. But I snapped out of it and realised there is nothing I could do about it. I had to shake it off and step back for a bit knowing no two people live identical lives. All we can do is empathise with the ones who are going through a tough time; who's journeys we have only 'some' idea of. But there are times when we watch people ,who matter to us, make choices we wish they didn't make. We watch them in pain. We don't know any of the reasons, motives or their emotions behind it and we have no idea what journey they have been on to get to that point. The only thing we can do is to be with them wholeheartedly, give them courage.

The incident really shook me and made me rethink on so many levels. The problems we latch on to makes it look like there is no choice ahead. Worries, which by all sincerity, drowns us to a black hole. Its an absolute party-pooper. I realise how much little things have taken a toll on my life. A feud with a friend gave me sleepless nights for weeks. I realised I was fighting a battle which meant everything to me at the time but then, it looks so trivial when i look over the shoulders and at the damage done. I realise that the effort to conversate or to even battle should come from both ways. It's not always a one way street. I hinged on to it for a while and it seems to not  matter now. It was just a speck on a pile of dirt. I gave so much energy and time for that little spec that i forgot to see the rest of the pile and mark my priorities. I just had to look over it.

Everyone has their own personal cloud that hangs over them, occasionally striking with lightning, reminding them just how crap it can feel. And I am no exception. For sure, there will be days, when I feel like an absolute disaster. I would want to curl into a ball and give up on life. That's ok. I will let myself feel it. I think we all should get that privilege; to throw a self-pity party for two minutes, maybe a day or two even. Feel the depth in those moments of despair and then to know that you grasped it with all your heart; however small or big it was. Embraced it and just let it go and get back right up. I have realised, this is the way to live life. This is the ONLY way. There will be a lot of disappointments along the way, but that should only be a pit stop in the road of life and not a dead end. Cold war with friends, feud with families, disappointments from loved ones; it will keep coming. All I need to learn is to handle it. Maybe it took me few years to realise it. Maybe it took me experiences with insensitive souls to deal with it. It does not mean that I want to forgive and forget and take the thrown in sainthood-town. I will always remember of how I was made to feel; not by choice, but that's just the way it is. I choose to survive and live with it.

I read a quote the other day which really hit home. "Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better". Rings true to each letter! Everyone hurts. Everyone has been inflicted by some wound in the course of life. I have too and I will not let ANYONE belittle my pain or worries. Its still hurts. But I'm not going to miss out on life and wait till the wound heals, to start living. Happiness is a positive choice. Its either now or never and I choose NOW.